( Aging Untold ) — Caring for an aging loved one can reshape a family, and it’s a responsibility more men are shouldering than ever before. Today, an estimated 21 million men are in caregiving roles, according to AARP and the National Alliance for Caregiving. They are navigating the daily challenges of aging and illness alongside their own jobs and children.
Dugan Meredith, who documents caring for his mother-in-law online through the “Taking Care of Granny” social media feeds, joined us to talk about what it’s really like to become a caregiver and how his family found their way through it.
Meredith’s mother-in-law, known online as Granny, was originally living with her oldest daughter in the Charleston, South Carolina, area. Meredith described the signs that led the family to seek a diagnosis.
“She was experiencing symptoms, showing signs, forgetting how to go pick up the grandchildren from school, getting lost,” Meredith said. “Talking to random strangers and inviting them back to the house.”
The turning point came when Granny tried to cook soup by putting it in a baking pan in the oven instead of putting it in a pot and placing it on the stove. Granny was later diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia, also known as FTD.
When Granny moved in with Meredith and his wife, there wasn’t a formal plan for who would do what.
“I think it was decided for us,” Meredith said. The family originally intended to split time with another sister-in-law, but when she had to return to full-time work, “the responsibility fell squarely on our shoulders,” Meredith said.
For a time, Meredith’s wife took Granny to work with her during the day and Dugan took over caregiving duties in the evenings. Eventually, his wife’s employer could no longer accommodate the arrangement, prompting the family to hire outside help.
Amy O’Rourke, an aging expert, asked Meredith to reflect on his experience as a man stepping into a caregiving role that required hiring help rather than “fixing” the problem himself.
“Granny coming to live with us was a struggle for me mentally,” Meredith said. “I was exhausted because I could not figure out why I could not get a 72-, 73-year-old woman to understand, you can’t do this — it will hurt you.”
Meredith described one moment when Granny wanted to cut her hair and used a lighter to try to burn off a piece of it after he took away her scissors and said they would take her to get her hair cut.
“I could not understand in my mind, why does this woman do this? Why can I not get her to understand she’s going to hurt herself?” he said.
Meredith said he came to the realization that he needed to meet Granny where she is.
“Sam taught me that very early on,” Meredith said, referring to Aging Untold expert and gerontologist Sam Cradduck. “You have to meet them where they are.”
Meredith emphasized that lesson for other men in a similar situation.
“For men out there, you’re not going to fix it. The only thing you can do to help the situation is to swallow your pride, swallow your ego and learn to meet them where they’re at,” Meredith said.
Viewers of Meredith’s videos on TikTok and Facebook are familiar with Granny’s repeated word, “heavy.”
Dr. Rhea Rogers, a board-certified physician, asked how the family figures out what she means.
“What is she trying to tell me? Is her stomach hurt? Is her food cold? Is her food too hot?” Meredith said. “When she says ‘my heavy is heavy,’ I keep reiterating, and eventually she’ll move a certain way, she’ll do something with her hands, she’ll nod with her head, and we’ll figure it out.”
Meredith said much of the communication comes down to body language and behaviors learned from living with Granny every day.
Meredith said the decision to document his caregiving journey online came from feeling isolated.
“I felt like I was alone. I felt like nobody in the world understood what was going on within my mind and in my heart,” Meredith said.
He recalled sitting at his kitchen table with a cup of coffee, recording himself talking about his frustrations before posting the video to TikTok. That post led him to a community of other caregivers he didn’t know existed.
Meredith said he’s still learning to manage the volume of response, including tens of thousands of messages and comments.
“You go through a whirlwind of emotions just reading the comments or the messages that come in,” he said.
Meredith said the online community has helped his family tremendously.
“For every one negative person, there’s 500 positives,” he said, and people in that community provide tips, which Meredith uses.
“Not only are they helping us, but they are helping the others that are reading the comments,” Meredith said.
O’Rourke noted that Meredith and his wife are also raising children while caring for Granny — a dynamic often called the “sandwich generation.”
“We are 100% the sandwich generation,” Meredith said.
In the beginning, he said, the couple struggled to give their children enough attention because of the protocols required to care for Granny. Hiring additional caregivers allowed them “to still be parents for our children and give them the attention that they need and that they deserve as well.”
Meredith also spoke about the cost of care. The family looked into memory care facilities before deciding on the private route, which he described as the more affordable option.
“You go look at nice memory care facilities — we’re talking $10,000 to $15,000 a month,” Meredith said.
He said monetizing the family’s social media content has helped cover the cost of keeping Granny comfortable at home.
“Everyone always asks, are you going to keep her here until her last breath. We will,” Meredith said.
Meredith is also the founder of a nonprofit, also called Taking Care of Granny, which he said is focused solely on helping caregivers.
He said the idea for a nonprofit came from a conversation with another caregiver who documents caring for his wife, who has Parkinson’s disease.
“He was the one that started the idea with me. He was like, ‘What about a nonprofit? You do a nonprofit to provide care to the caregivers,’” Meredith said. “I was like, I like that idea. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but let me start digging into it.”
Asked how Granny is doing now, Meredith said the disease has progressed. The family now purees her food because of trouble swallowing, and he’s noticed her shuffling her feet while walking, so the family has removed rugs and other trip hazards from the house.
Hospice has also brought in a medical bed to help prevent falls.
“The disease has progressed, and we’re at that point now,” Meredith said. “But given what we’ve been through, I would say she’s doing well.”
Taking Care of Granny on TikTok
Taking Care of Granny on Facebook
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